DEAR ABBY: I’m a 37-year-old woman who seems to be the go-to person in my family to figure things out. Because my stepmother was not comfortable enough with her English and because I strove to gain her approval, I made sure from an early age that I took care of the things she could not do. The problem is that I used to be proud of myself for always being able to figure things out, but I don’t feel that way anymore.
There are five siblings in total. We are all adults now, but it seems like my stepmother only comes to me to solve her problems. When someone offers her help, she says something like, “That’s fine, but I’ll just ask your sister.” I understand that this may be my fault because of my incessant need to please her.
Lately, though, I’ve been increasingly bothered by the feeling of being used, as if my worth depends solely on what I can do for her. Is there a way to change her expectations without having to outright tell her how I feel? — TOO USEFUL IN CALIFORNIA
BEST TOO HELPFUL: You may find it easier to start by being less available if your stepmom has a “cutie.” She may be shocked and not like it, so be prepared if you tell her to ask one of your siblings. The alternative is to be completely honest with her about your feelings, including the fact that you feel like she only appreciates you because of what she thinks you can do for her.
Being the only “adult” in the family is a terrible burden placed on a child, and that seems to have happened to you too. I knew someone like that. Like you, he was the designated problem solver in the family. Unfortunately, no one was grateful for his efforts. Instead, they not only took advantage of him, but hated him for it.
Put an end to this scenario before you start to seriously resent your “helpless” stepmother.
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Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was created by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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