A trans man in the Highlands says he risked everything to transition – but it has finally brought him back to his childhood memories.
The man, who wished to remain anonymous, came out as transgender a few years ago after struggling with his mental health for years.
While that realization would become an extremely positive change, at the time it was shrouded in pain as he was hospitalized due to suicidal thoughts.
Things haven’t been all smooth sailing since then either, losing some friends and family who objected to him.
The trans man lost friends and family after his transition, but he has no regrets. Photo: James Mackenzie
However, he has no regrets whatsoever – partly because he hopes he is leading the way for his children to be their authentic selves.
“I actually knew it as a kid, but then I blocked it out,” he remembers.
“For me it was mainly a choice to live, and a choice to be trans. I wouldn’t live to see days if I didn’t do something to change my gender, so I suddenly changed everything.
“Over the years I have built a much more stable identity, but that was a big decision – especially as a parent – to risk everything.
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“I actually risked everything, but I felt like I had no choice because it felt like I was dying. There’s really no doubt about that. To have made those choices and now feel so much happier, it’s incredible.
“It took a lot to get here. I’ve lost friends and family because of it – not a lot of consequences, more just people taking a step back, especially those who are religious.
“I have lost a lot of people, but for me, because I had children, it was very important that my children could be themselves.
“That was a motivating factor for me. How could I ever teach them the importance of being themselves if I didn’t know who I was?
“People who have known me for a long time say that they recognize me from the past. I got a little lost in the middle. They see more confidence and calmness in me, and they see that I am more confident and clear in myself.”
In some ways, his life has come full circle. As a young child, he played with his cousins and was treated like a boy – even going so far as to call himself “a little boy” growing up.
That changed as he progressed from high school to college, and societal pressure forced him to grow his hair and act more feminine.
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Although it was an extreme set of circumstances that led him to realize he was transgender, the struggles he went through also helped things fall into place, and he can look back with an element of pride at photos of himself as he sees his true self in the mirror one more time.
“I just assumed I was a boy until I was about nine or 10, that was my natural assumption and I was always treated like a boy,” he explained.
“When I talk about my childhood, even before I came out as transgender, I could never call myself a little girl – it just didn’t feel right.
“I was about 10 or 11 when my mom told me I was going to high school soon, so we had to grow my hair out so I looked more like everyone else. At the time I didn’t think I really understood it, but I remember realizing that something was changing and that I had to be someone different.
“When I was feeling suicidal I spoke to a helpline and said I didn’t want to kill myself because I didn’t want a woman’s body to be found and buried looking like this.
“I didn’t really understand it, but I didn’t really want to be remembered as a woman. That was the first time someone told me to Google non-binary and transgender, which completely threw me off.
Reading about transgender identities was a breakthrough moment.
“It hit me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes you can’t undo something. Once it’s in your head, you can’t undo it, and that’s how it was. It all made so much sense.
“My profile picture on Facebook is me as a child, and this is the first time I look like the person that child grew up as.
“I never realized how disturbing it was not to recognize my own reflection. I didn’t know who that person was. When I get a little overwhelmed, or I need grounding, I look at my reflection and see me. That’s the most important thing.
“I think if someone isn’t trans, it’s very difficult for them to understand. When you go to a costume party and look in the mirror and don’t recognize yourself, that’s what it was like every day for me before I switched. Now it definitely feels like me.”
Since coming out, he has struggled to find his place socially. There is still an uneasy feeling among people who knew him before his transition because he doesn’t feel like he fits in with the women who used to be his friends, nor with the men in his community.
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What has proven useful, however, is visibility and representation – even if that has to come from online spaces.
In particular, he was inspired by a documentary called Disclosure on Netflix, which spotlights trans identities throughout the history of film and television.
“Seeing Disclosure was really powerful to see how invisible my community is – the general LGBTQ+ community, but specifically transgender people and trans men,” he said.
“I don’t particularly want to be visible, but I also want to see other people.
Visible public support for transgender people can be life-changing for those who need it most. Photo: Stephen Doyle
“It’s hard to think you’re the only one. I know a few transgender people through online stuff, but it’s hard for my kids too. They completely accept who I am, but every now and then they are reminded that other people think we are very different.
“A lot of transgender people are also very young, so I feel quite separated from the community because I think I’m too old to be part of it in any way.
“There is a loss in feeling like I lived in a body for so long that didn’t feel right, but that has gotten much better since I had surgery and started taking hormones.”
Even if he had gotten this far on his own, such progress would not have been possible without the help of mental health services, both at the community and hospital levels.
“I haven’t always felt understood, but I have always been respected, which has been very important to me,” he added.
“I have had support from LGBT+ health advice, MikeylineAnd LGBT+ switchboard over the years.
“I have often been the first trans person a mental health professional has worked with, but I have seen a real eagerness to understand me and what it means to be trans.
“I have been fortunate to be respected in my choices. Some professionals were understandably cautious about my decisions to transition medically and surgically, but this was accompanied by respect and even compassion, I would say.
“The transition alone did not save me. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for years of excellent mental health care.”
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