When we set boundaries for difficult behavior with warmth and connection, the underlying feelings that drive the behavior can become accessible to the child
Gentle parenting is becoming increasingly popular – but does it really work? Three i writers offer different perspectives: teacher Nadeine Asbaliolder Anna Wittehuis and child psychologist Dr. Kirsty Pakes.
There are many misconceptions about ‘gentle parenting’. As a clinical psychologist specializing in parenting, I view it as non-harsh and non-punitive. It involves treating children with kindness and respect in language and tone, and not using methods that cause shame and fear.
However, it does not mean that unacceptable behavior should be ignored or tolerated. Children need clear boundaries, but “gentle” parents are calm and kind leaders who set firm and compassionate boundaries so that: The child learns what is appropriate while feeling emotionally supported. This allows the child to process underlying difficult feelings, which are often the cause of ‘acting out’.
But does gentle parenting actually work? To understand this we need to examine what we mean by that “work”. This is important because for some parents, ‘work’ can mean that a child has to follow the rules no matter what. In this sentence we can see how corporal punishment could ‘work’, because the child does not repeat the unwanted behavior due to fear, humiliation and pain.
But as a psychologist, my definition is more about responding to our children during times of behavioral and emotional struggle that actually builds on their well-being and mental health. This also means that we can be parents in a pleasant way and that we can have a close bond with our children.
With this definition of gentle parenting, yes: from my personal and professional experience, gentle parenting absolutely works. The research also supports me.
Studies about parenting styles has repeatedly found that authoritative methods (of which gentle parenting is one) have produced the best results for children – in maturation, resilience, optimism, self-reliance, social competence, self-esteem, as well as in academic achievement.
Parenting styles
Authoritarian approaches are high on control and low on heat. Authoritarian parents make rules and enforce consequences without taking their child’s opinions into account.
Indulgent parents have little control and a lot of warmth. They rarely address negative behavior in children.
Authoritative Parents attach great importance to both warmth and structure/control. Kind parents fall into this category.
Gentle parenting is also “connection-based,” meaning the relationship and connection between parent and child is at the forefront. An overview of 600 studies shows Educational training Research staff found that having a close, connected relationship with an adult who listens to the child’s feelings is the strongest indicator that a child will reach adulthood without experiencing teen pregnancy or violence, without becoming addicted to drugs or tobacco, and without to leave school.
That goes without saying no parent is flawless and capable of delivering perfect parenting 24/7. Therefore, it is crucial that we understand that an important part of the gentle parenting approach is supporting parents to understand themselves and their responses as well.
To do this, parents are encouraged to do so reflect on themselves and their reactions. This can be done through the support of other parents or professionals such as a mentor or therapist. If our reactions to our children’s behavior are repeatedly disproportionate, it is likely that we are in the grip of unfinished psychological business from our own past. This is very normal and natural. Listening partnerships can be a great way to understand and process those responses.
So how can we best approach gentle parenting?
If a child is difficult and challenging, understand that there are reasons for that. It’s the same for us adults. When we behave in a way that we regret – yelling at our children or snapping at our partner, for example – we are not choosing that behavior at that moment. If we could have responded in a better way, we would have. At these moments, our behavior is often driven by emotions. Sometimes these are emotions that we may not even be aware of.
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For example, we may behave this way because we are stressed or have unmet needs and feel disconnected or alone. Our ’emotional cup’ is exhausted. When our emotional cup is full and we feel adequately resourced, our behavior (like that of our children) is much more likely to stay “on track.”
And so we understand with our children that when their behavior is ‘off’, their emotional cup is empty. We can learn ways to deal with this friendly, warm, connected and sturdy. We still set boundaries, but in a way that is not associated with negativity, judgment and harshness.
The gentle, connection-based approach to parenting developed by Hand in hand parenting in the US has a wonderful practice called “Setting Boundaries,” which teaches parents how to do exactly this. A three-step approach is taught: “Listen, Limit, Listen.”
First of all, us listen the situation and try to understand what is going on with the child. For example, is their behavior appropriate? Are our expectations of their behavior correct? Are they ‘off track’ and are there difficult feelings driving their behavior (any challenging and difficult behavior is like a child waving a red flag asking for help)?
Then we set a to limit to the behavior. We bring the boundary to the child instead of issuing an order from across the room. When a child hits his brother or sister, we move closer with our calm, friendly presence and stop the behavior, perhaps by coming between the children as gently as we can and physically stopping the hitting. We aim to connect with their limbic and emotional brain – so we try to be calm and gentle and, when appropriate, light and playful, whilst stopping the behaviour.
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Once the behavior has stopped, we move on listen back to the underlying feelings that usually surface as soon as the feelings can no longer be expressed through behavior. In this example, this could be jealousy coming out; a child may become upset as soon as the beating stops and cry bitterly because everyone loves his brother or sister more than himself. This is the practice of ‘stayl listening’, where we come close and listen to a child’s problems (whether anger or tears) and offer empathy until they reach the end of their feelings.
This process allows a child to move through the entire arc of their feelings and release them. They usually emerge calmer, friendlier and more cooperative at the end of this process. This process ensures that their limbic brain can restore balance by gently listening to and releasing emotions.
This approach contrasts with behavioral methods emphasizing a negative consequence or punishment. This creates more emotional dysregulation in a child (which likely causes the difficult behavior in the first place) and a disconnect between parent and child. This is not helpful because we know that the bond between parents and children is the greatest predictor of a child’s well-being.
And so, when we set limits on difficult behavior with warmth and connection, the underlying feelings that drive the behavior can become accessible to the child. We can only feel and express our feelings when we feel safe and connected. The parent can then listen warmly to the child’s feelings so that they can be released and healed. That actually makes it less likely that the difficult behavior caused by the feelings will occur again. Win-win!
Dr. Kirsty Pakes is a clinical psychologist specializing in child and adolescent mental health
Gentle parenting is becoming increasingly popular – but does it really work? Lecturer Nadeine Asbali says it makes the classroom hell, but older Anna Wittehuis says it’s better than the outdated methods of the 1980s.
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