David White’s book about his daughter’s murder has been revised, fifteen years after she died at the hands of her husband. Photo / supplied
“It took the murder of our daughter to make me understand the danger someone is in when living in an abusive family relationship. I understood too late to save Helen,” White told the BBC Herald.
“The first edition of this book was written with the intention of making other fathers aware of the risks their children face.
“In this revised edition, I talk about the work I have done over the past fifteen years, and the extent of family violence in this country that reaches into every corner of society.”
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In 2023, White was appointed to the New Zealand Order of Merit for him domestic violence prevention services.
His citation said he had “campaigned against domestic violence for over a decade, raising awareness of the behavioral signs that lead to abuse” and “advocating extensively for the prevention of domestic violence.”
White said the book’s new chapters include stories about those he had advocated for — and examples of what he said is a “lack of government intervention over the past forty years.”
“And most importantly, an action plan that will reduce the horrific rates of domestic violence,” White said.
“This new edition is part of my ongoing campaign to raise awareness of what is happening around us and how we can make communities safer.”
David White, father of Helen Meads, murdered by her husband Gregory Meads, speaks to the media after the conviction of Gregory Meads in the Hamilton Supreme Court in 2011. Photo / NZPA / Stephen Barker
Helen: The Tragedy of Helen Meads was initially produced and distributed by a publisher.
White is paying out of his own pocket to self-publish the new revised edition.
He said there was “backlash” and “hate mail” when the book was first released, with people accusing him and his wife Pam of “making money” from Helen’s murder.
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“Pam was hit hard and I want to avoid that this time,” White said.
“There is no monetary gain for me… I do it to get the message out.”
New Zealand has the highest rates of family violence in the OECD and around half of all homicides and reported violent crimes are related to domestic violence.
White left the Herald on Sunday to publish sections of the new chapters in his book, which is dedicated to “every parent whose child has been murdered.”
The book can be purchased online at The underground bookstore for $25.
A father’s story: I could have saved her
I wrote the first edition with other fathers in mind. The harsh reality is that if I had understood even the basics of domestic violence, I would have done things differently back then.
I did it wrong and Helen got killed. That’s my burden. My ignorance got my daughter killed and my world collapsed.
I could have saved her.
I want to make it clear that it is unlikely that we really know the danger our children are in if they live in an abusive relationship.
I didn’t want to, another father who would walk in my shoes.
I wanted to save the next “Helen”.
‘I’m coming to get you’: the first rescue
It all started with a phone call. Her voice sounded hoarse. It’s clearly not in good shape.
‘I can’t leave here, he’s waiting outside. I knew Helen and he says he’ll do it to me.’
Her name was Jo and her wounds had been re-dressed at our local medical center.
“Stay inside,” I told her. “I’m coming to get you.”
I jumped in my old ute and drove to the back entrance of the medical center. I didn’t recognize her and was sure I had never met her.
I bundled her up on the cabin floor of the ute and covered her with chaff bags.
I wasted no time in leaving, and hopefully soon enough before he thought she was staying in too long.
I took her back to our place and privacy. Our house does not have a street view because we are surrounded by trees.
Once she calmed down and was confident we hadn’t been followed and that she was out safely, we set out to figure out what outcome she really wanted.
Helen Meads (left) with her daughter Kimberley (right). Photo / supplied
I asked about family support, who would help her?
‘I can’t go home. Dad has had enough and doesn’t want to help me anymore. I’ve gone back to my ex too many times and Dad is tired of it. I’m on my own.”
‘Stupid man,’ I thought. At least he still has a daughter, and one of us will never come home.
‘Let me talk to him. I will explain how things stand.”
“He doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“I don’t give him a choice.”
And I called her parents to tell them we were on our way.
There is no need to delve into the conversation that took place upon our arrival, and her father’s interpretation of my interference in their family affairs.
But the gist of my comments were all polite and very clear. I held nothing back from telling him exactly what it’s like to have a daughter murdered, and to be a father who hadn’t stepped forward quickly enough to keep her alive.
There was no holding on to what it was like to have to walk in my shoes and accept that that hadn’t done enough.
Helen’s murder was too recent and still very raw in my emotions.
I gave him the choice. Help his daughter now or be prepared to organize her funeral and bury her next week.
I think Helen was sitting on my shoulder and cheering me on.
There were many tears. Her parents took Jo to a safe location far away where her ex would not find her.
She was safe.
Jo was the first of many. So many phone calls. So many hoarse voices.
David White, father of Helen Meads, murdered by her husband Gregory Meads. Photo / NZPA / Stephen Barker
I want to summarize what I have experienced over the past fifteen years.
Working with victims has been rewarding, emotionally draining and frightening.
I had to learn that you can’t always be successful, life isn’t like that.
I’m disgusted by the way some people can treat others and it’s damn hard not to show it. Sometimes I’ve found myself in dodgy situations and calmed myself down by believing that angry people can’t aim straight.
Family violence is completely without barriers. It’s everywhere. It doesn’t matter what your age is, your ethnicity, your wealth, your sexual orientation, your upbringing, your religion, your IQ. No sector is immune.
It’s interesting to note that I haven’t looked for something that has taken up so much of my time since we lost Helen.
All I did was answer the phone and do what I could to help.
Anna Leask is a Christchurch-based reporter covering national crime and justice. She joined the Herald in 2008 and has worked as a journalist for 18 years, with a focus on family and gender-based violence, child abuse, sexual violence, murders, mental health and youth crime. She writes, presents and produces the award-winning podcast A Moment In Crime, released monthly nzherald.co.nz
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