The real meaning of trauma bonding, explainedAdrienne Bresnahan – Getty Images
“Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through these links.”
When you hear the words “trauma bonding,” you can imagine two friends growing closer after an experience fractions at the same time, or a couple falling in love after connecting due to similar experiences as children of divorce. And this makes sense, given the way the term is spread around the Internet, but the definition you have in mind isn’t necessarily correct.
For example, after a vote has been taken Dancing with the starssome professional dancers made one TikTok of themselves being in a circle “trauma bonding over (their) recent eliminations.” Meanwhile ex-The bachelor participants made one video joking that they are “opting out of this drama,” with the caption, “We are bonded in trauma for life.” But while these television personalities may bond over a shared trauma, this definition of trauma bonding is the casual, romanticized version, says Rachel ProujanskyPsyD, a psychologist based in New York City.
Two people can bond over a challenging experience — like being in the military or rushing through a fraternity — which then creates a sense of loyalty, Proujansky says. But in reality, trauma bonding is “the emotional bond that forms between a person and an abuser,” she says. There must be two things in this dynamic: a power differential and a periodic schedule of reinforcement, where sometimes the abuser is “kind, wonderful, and caring,” and other times “scary, violent, or abusive,” making it difficult (and unpredictable) for the victim knows which side is the truth.
The process won’t be linear, just as trauma bonding isn’t black and white, he adds Janie LacyPsyD, a trauma psychotherapist and relationship expert. “Many people think that if there is love, there cannot be a trauma bond, but the reality is that love and trauma can coexist.”
Trauma bonds can form among anyone, including family, friends or coworkers, but are most common among romantic partners because there is often an extra layer of emotional attachment, says Jessica LamarPsyD, co-founder of the Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center in Washington.
No matter who you are close to, this relationship often has a negative impact on your mental health. For example, if there is emotional manipulation, such as gas lighting Or shifting blame that causes someone to question their reality, it can lead to feelings of anxiety, isolation, depression or post-traumatic stress, Lamar says. So it is important to be able to recognize a trauma bond and understand when it is time to break free.
Here you can read how a trauma bond is formed – and why it sticks.
Trauma bonds form as a result of a cycle – or periodic strengthening schedule – that typically begins and ends with the honeymoon phasesays Proujansky. Usually when a relationship starts, things go well, otherwise it probably wouldn’t have started in the first place. However, it could slowly lead to a tension-building phase where the abuser might start criticizing the victim, isolating him from his friends or family, or causing him to question himself.
Then formal abuse can manifest itself emotionally, physically or sexually. But to strengthen the attachment—the final stage—the abuser returns to the honeymoon phase, which “makes it even more confusing for the victim,” Proujansky says.
During that reconciliation period, the abuser may apologize explicitly and gain empathy, or he may blame the victim, making him think it is his fault. For example, they might say, “If you hadn’t said that, I would never have reacted that way,” Proujansky explains.
The cycle causes the trauma bond to linger, as people tend to hold on to the person who was the abuser at the beginning of the relationship or remember the good moments in between, Lamar says. “They have all this other evidence to show that their partner isn’t always like this,” Lamar says.
While a trauma bond in a non-romantic relationship may look a little different, it consistently follows an unpredictable pattern. For example, it can occur at work when there is a clear, unequal power dynamic between a boss and an employee (example: The devil wears Prada!). If your boss tends to behave sporadically toward you (sometimes you think you’re on good terms, but other times your character is attacked) and has high demands at all hours of the day, this can cause unhealthy trauma. -bound relationship, says Proujansky.
From the outside, it can be difficult to understand why someone doesn’t leave. However, each circumstance is unique and difficult to avoid for several reasons. In romantic relationships, domestic violence or situational threats can play a role. In workplace trauma bonds, the fear of being blacklisted by a powerful superior or being dependent on income can keep someone trapped. The situations may be different, but both involve a lot of internal struggle that may be difficult to understand unless you are fully immersed in it.
There are a few signs that you may have a traumatic bond with someone.
Signs of trauma bonding are often subtle and deep-seated, Lacy says. Although trauma bonds may look different between romantic partners and other relationships, common themes and signs will emerge.
Anxiety about the abuser’s approval or emotional state is a common sign in any trauma-related relationship, Lacy says. For example, you may feel like you’re walking on eggshells during every meeting or decide how to approach them on regular work assignments based on their mood that day.
Lacy adds that the victim tends to seek approval or validation from the abuser in a way that becomes all-consuming. “They constantly repeat what they could have said or done differently,” she says.
For example, in a work relationship, a person may become so preoccupied with their boss’s approval that they begin to neglect their personal boundaries in order to please them. While in a romantic relationship, someone may seek validation by continually prioritizing their partner’s needs, believing that their partner will love them more if they continually sacrifice themselves for them. In both scenarios, that need for validation becomes overwhelming, potentially undermining their productivity and daily functioning – and possibly contributing to the gradual loss of their self-esteem.
Trauma-related relationships also often lead to isolation. In a romantic relationship, this can look like a partner explicitly telling you not to be friends with certain people, or a more subtle self-isolation rooted in shame about the trauma-related relationship. “Even if someone doesn’t tell us not to associate with certain people, we may inherently feel that others would not understand or reject us if they knew what was really going on,” Proujansky says. In a workplace, however, you may find yourself working overtime to pursue their validation and approval, Lacy adds.
Victims often defend the other person’s behavior, even when the signals are present. Proujansky says victims may adopt the abuser’s perspective as a survival mechanism, thinking that if they give them what they want, they will in return receive the safety and care they once knew. “But unfortunately this gives a false sense of control because the victim is not the source of the problem,” she says.
Here’s how to break the cycle, according to therapists.
Not all trauma bonds need to be permanent. “It really takes deep exploration and recognition of the power dynamics and the person’s role in them, which can be quite difficult for the abuser to digest,” Proujansky says. “But it’s not impossible.”
In an effort to make a trauma bond healthier, Proujansky emphasizes the importance of “learning different ways to deal with their emotions and communicate with each other so that everyone deals with their own feelings in a healthy way, helping each other effectively supports but is also able to manage conflicts and conflicts. disagreement in a way that is not harmful.” Seeking help from an outside professional or therapist can help you identify and understand the root cause of abusive or unhealthy relationship dynamics, which can mark the beginning of a healthier path forward, she adds.
But if the abuser doesn’t recognize his or her role, or if the situation isn’t safe, it’s a sign that you need to protect your mental health and break away from the trauma bond. A good first step here is to find and open up to your safe support system, which could be a close friend or confidant, a trained professional, or even an anonymous hotline, Lamar says.
“Your brain acts out of self-protection when you’re in a trauma bond, so it’s important to get objective feedback,” says Lamar. “But even if there is the realization that the relationship is unhealthy, it will still be sad or difficult to leave.”
Family trauma bonds can be particularly difficult to break, especially in relationships between parents and children, Proujansky explains. “Society tends to place a lot of importance on families staying together, regardless of whether or not that is healthiest for everyone involved,” she explains. In addition to societal pressures, power imbalances can make these relationships difficult to leave. For example, you may depend on financial support, child care, or other resources that you risk losing if you end the relationship.
Proujansky adds that if you are experiencing any form of domestic violence, it can be extremely dangerous to leave. She suggests seeking resources such as domestic violence shelters and getting a safety plan in place.
Even with a plan, breaking free can take time, and it’s important to practice self-care and self-compassion throughout the journey, Lacy adds. Whether it’s taking small steps, like drinking more water or a day at the spa, or making deeper progress, like forgiving yourself for past mistakes, learning be compassionate with yourself is the key. “Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself,” she says.
Meet the experts: Rachel ProujanskyPsyD, is a psychologist based in New York City. Janie LacyPsyD, is a trauma psychotherapist, relationship expert and CEO of Life Counseling Solutions. Jessica LamarPsyD, is co-founder of the Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center in Washington.
You might like it too
Leave a Reply