I see Jess trying to be nice to the people in her group chat, with varying degrees of success. It’s not that the members are bad people. They met a year ago at a vocal workshop for aspiring musicians and artists and decided to keep in touch after it ended. The chat has become a mix of a confessional and a lovefest: people leave long audio messages about their days and text messages about how much support they receive from everyone. It’s this “typical overly complimentary, masturbatory, ‘everyone loves each other so much’” space, says Jess. Plus, they’re not good musicians, which is the opposite of the point of the chat. She’s attended several performances by other group members, and “they’re all generally bad,” she says. But then again, she’s really trying to be nice. “They have clearly found their way in this group people,” she says. ‘I don’t hate these people. I just hate being in their stupid group.”
And yet she can’t just stop. The group receives a gift together for each member’s birthday. Her birthday was the first, so she felt like she had to stay ahead of the others. She finally got through the first set of birthdays and opened the door for an exit – but it can’t be an Irish exit. “I feel like I have to say goodbye,” she says. “I can’t ghost. I can’t ghost. It would be against the whole group.’ She spoke on the condition that she not use her last name for this story for obvious reasons.
Jess is not alone: many people report feeling overwhelmed group chatssaying it is difficult to keep up with messages and even comparing it to a part-time job. Many people, like Jess, also have at least one group chat Real hate. It is not only a nuisance, but also a place that makes their blood boil. It’s like scrolling through messages from the most annoying people on Twitter, but you actually know them in real life. No matter how much you hate chat, it’s hard to stop. Group chats may be couched in the cold, distant trappings of technology, but the content is often warm and real.
Jess tells me our conversation has rekindled her promise to leave her despised talk for the new year. She must first think of her farewell message.
The group chat is a complicated invention of our modern technological existence. It can be a useful tool: a place to coordinate Fourth of July plans with the extended family or keep up with the neighbors about the landlord’s latest pranks. It can be a fun place: a place to send memes, gossip, and life updates. The group chat is also often a safer place for spicy shots than social media. You’re less likely to be fired, sued, or canceled (although that’s not impossible). Group chats can also be extremely annoying. You look away for a few hours and suddenly you have 63 unread messages about things that really don’t interest you. And sure, you can mute it, but it’s still there, haunting you.
I don’t hate these people. I just hate being in their stupid group.
Jeremy Birnholtz, a communications professor at Northwestern University who focuses on human-computer interaction, told me that there are two characteristics that make group chats unique (and intimidating). “One is that there is constant texting, so you can’t choose to be out of the room and not be with everyone,” he said. “Second is that you’re either in it or you’re out of it. There’s no elegant way to take yourself out like there is with social relationships.”
Ignoring the group chat is less obvious than, say, spending Thanksgiving in the living room watching TV instead of talking to everyone around the table. But eventually everyone will notice and think you’re a bit of an idiot for it. And when you are involved, it can be difficult to make sure you get your point across. Group texts, like all written communication, lack many of the cues of face-to-face communication. There is no body language, no inflections or facial expressions. It is easy to misinterpret intentions and intentions, good or bad.
“People fill in the blanks the way they want to,” Birnholtz said. If you find someone attractive or a good friend, you fill him or her in a positive way. If you think someone doesn’t like you, you do the opposite.
Sharon does not have a particularly good relationship with her in-laws, a reality that has infected their group chat. She has noticed that her posts in a group she is in with her mother-in-law and two sisters-in-law are not getting as much attention as they should. Her mother-in-law does not interact with photos of Sharon’s children as much as she does with photos of Sharon’s sister-in-law’s children. In April, Sharon (which isn’t her real name) made eclipse-themed pancakes: she put a dark one over a light one and then looked at Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup bottle to make it look like it was looking at the solar eclipse. – and posted photos of them in the group. Her mother-in-law didn’t respond, but she did return when Sharon’s sister-in-law posted a photo of her cat. The chilly reception led Sharon to scale back her participation, and in the fall she eventually postponed the conversation. “I feel so much better,” she says. Yet Sharon will not stop. “I wouldn’t have a place if I ever wanted to communicate a message to them where I could get them all at once,” she says. “So I’ll just leave it at that.”
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From the outside, it’s hard not to wonder if Sharon is sensing slights that aren’t intended; after all, her children are her mother-in-law’s grandchildren. At the same time, Sharon fills in the blanks this way for a reason.
“If you can’t get along with someone in person, if they’re passive-aggressive, or if they do weird things in person, then it won’t work in a group chat,” says Sharon. She emphasizes that in group chats, she makes sure everyone gets attention for what they post and is celebrated for their achievements. She just responds with her heart.
Group chats have paved the way for many communication innovations, such as e-mail or AOL instant messaging or, for a more modern example, Slim. It turns out to be useful, and then it becomes so useful that everyone uses it all the time, and then it becomes overwhelming.
“The other thing is that, for the most part, technologies are not designed for graceful exits,” Birnholtz said. In a WhatsApp group, there’s no easy way to do the Midwestern “I think I’ll let you go” that subtly lets the other person know that you’re completely done with the conversation. You can’t really slow down a fraternity chat like you would with your fraternity friends in real life.
For the most part, technologies are not designed for graceful exits.
I reached out to some professional etiquette experts and advisors to see if they had any ideas on how to leave a group chat you hate without damaging relationships. Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist at The Washington Post, told me that “good protocol always means being in control of your own life and time,” and that doesn’t require permission. “Anytime you feel captivated by a group, it’s time to take a deep breath and think about that a little bit,” she said. Group chats are about feeling connected, supported and entertained, and if you’re not getting that, it’s OK to take a break, she said. Someone just left one of Hax’s group chats with college friends, explaining that she had a lot going on in her life, and no one looked at her. “It’s like, ‘Hey, are you okay?’ That’s about it,” she said. “And if people can’t handle that, that’s on them.”
If it’s a group with vital information (updates from other parents at school or family members), the mute button is your friend. “You let it build up, and then you just check: Did I miss something important?” Hax said. “Go back if your health requires it, but hold the line.”
Hax didn’t say this, but I will: It’s probably fine to lie and say you’re too busy to keep up with the chat and leave. It’s really no one’s business to delve into what you’re too busy doing. Maybe it’s a medical problem, or maybe you just want to quietly scroll through Instagram reels, uninterrupted by a bunch of pings.
Lisa Mirza Grotts, an etiquette consultant, said that while it’s important to leave politely, in informal groups it’s okay to leave “quietly.” “You just leave without notice,” she said. She also said that there is no one right way to communicate in a group chat; what reads as efficient to one person may seem rude to another. “I think you have to keep in mind that this is not the perfect way to communicate,” she said.
It’s probably okay to lie and say you’re too busy to keep up with the chat and leave.
Not everyone has a hard time leaving their group chats, like Joe Cardillo, who has been cleaning house lately. They have been working in venture capital-backed startups for about a decade and have several group chats with former colleagues and professional contacts. In one such chat, messages came in about what Cardillo called some pretty “inflammatory” topics. Someone in particular said that Elon Musk and Donald Trump would be “great” for technology, which started a fight with hundreds of messages. Cardillo spoke up and said they didn’t want to be in an “unstructured space” where people weren’t showing basic respect and taking responsibility. Eventually they left.
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“I just think it’s healthy to think about what a good conversation feels like. And if this isn’t it, then you’re like, I’m out,” Cardillo said.
The dynamics of group chats are, in a word, messy – and in many messy situations, walking away is easier said than done. A friend confessed that they had been having a weekly brunch chat for two years, with no intention of ever going to that brunch. Everyone seems nice, but it’s just not their problem, and they’re afraid to quit. Another admitted that they kind of hated chatting with their group of friends, and were pretty sure everyone else was having a chat without them, but they had no idea how to discuss the topic. One person told me about a friend who abruptly left a chat after someone else in the group posted an old photo of her in which she was quite drunk. The person suspected that the friend’s husband saw the photo and “went crazy.”
Sometimes you just have to set a boundary, and that boundary can be deciding not to sit in a room with twelve people chatting all day without the ability to tune them out. You can say you have to go for a reason, or you can just walk away. Who knows if they’ll even miss you? Years ago, everyone left the group chat I was in except me and one other person. My friend called it “WE ARE THE BEST”, and we’ve only been talking about it ever since. It’s fun, and we’re still friends with the other people.
As for Jess, she insists she’s open to befriending the people in her mediocre musician chat on an individual, less intense level, but I have my doubts. The last time they were all interested in going to the same show, she bought a ticket, but for a different night.
“They are wonderful people,” she says. “They’re just not my people.”
Emily Stewart is a senior correspondent at Business Insider and writes about business and economics.
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