Dear Eric: I’m recently in love and engaged. My fiancé and I are both in our early seventies. Quite a few of my friends (not my close friends but others) responded to the news with: how cute! Somehow the fact that we have fallen in love and plan to get married is ‘cute’.
I find this infantilizing, as if we were little children playing dress-up. I realize that people are happy for us and that the marriage of two people over 70 is unexpected and pleasantly sensational. But cute? Would anyone call an impending marriage of two 35-year-olds cute? Am I oversensitive when it comes to ageism? And can you think of a response?
– Involved at any age
Dear Fiancee: Congratulations. I don’t think you’re necessarily overly sensitive. But I think people tend to lump a lot of love relationships together. It can be shorthand for something unexpected but beautiful. I’ve heard people use it to talk about teenage crushes, coworkers, seniors, and long-lost friends. That said, thinking it’s unexpected to find love over 70 is age-related.
Bottom line: If you don’t like it, that’s all that matters.
Try to think of another descriptor. Something that matches how you feel. ‘Oh, we don’t think it’s cute. We think so (fill in the blank).” It can be ‘passionate’, ‘romantic’, ‘just in time’ or whatever you want. You get to define your relationship.
Dear Eric: A former classmate of my son is still in touch with me. She and my son haven’t been in touch for over a decade, but she continues to call and invites me to both of her daughters’ birthday parties.
I’m not sure why she wants to keep in touch. Both she and my son are married to other people, and I had hoped she would develop new friendships. I really don’t want to encourage her, and I don’t think she has many friends. Even though I don’t go out of my way to attend the events, I don’t think she has any idea that I’m not interested in keeping in touch.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and I hope she moves on soon. Any advice?
– Former friend
Best friend: I’m so curious about how this friendship started. Were you ever close or did she just start reaching out and taking advantage of your politeness? Why is she even calling the parent of a former classmate?
If she has no idea that you don’t want to keep in touch, then unfortunately you have to give her an idea. You can redefine your relationship in a gentle way, but no matter how gently you do it, she may still have hurt feelings. Nevertheless, if it weighs heavily on you, you have to keep going. There is nothing unkind about making it clear what you can and cannot do.
Something short and sweet will work: “I appreciate the invitation, but I won’t be available to come to the parties in the future.” Or even more directly: “It’s been a long time since high school. Let’s go our own way. I wish you all the best.”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him further Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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